Expatriate

I’ve had an anxiety pretty much every single day since Saturday last weekend. Saturday it was because of my Social Psychology research paper about injuries in ballet dancers which brought back negative feelings about my own injury :( Sunday it was less of a specific attack and more of a general feeling of dread about this work on the essay I had to do and the fact that I needed to finish it on time because I wanted to hang out with this guy for god knows why (did I even like him, did I just want another meaningless hookup again, did I just wanna wreck myself and do shit I know wasn’t good for me?). Yesterday I had a panic attack because the bus I needed to get home from yoga in center city didn’t come and it got so bad I just couldn’t do anything once I finally got back to my apartment. Today I had residual anxiety from that happening and then I skipped Scuba Diving because I just could NOT. Seems like I keep reacting to the same two things: past trauma of my injury and current issues with control over external things. More specifically, I need to have absolute control over my schedule and when things don’t go according to plan I just freak out and don’t know what to do. It’s getting so bad I don’t even remember what it’s like to have fun, relax and do nothing. I constantly judge myself for this type A trait of constant planning and that just makes it so much worse. The most terrible thing is that when these attacks come up I can’t do anything. I just freeze in my tracks, I can’t move, I don’t know where to go and what to do. All I can do is burst out in tears and call my mom, because that’s all there’s left to do. I don’t get back to equilibrium until I cry it out and overexert myself, then I might have a headache or question if all of that was really necessary. My brain gets very tangled and it feels like there’s no space and in that moment I can’t do anything to fight it. It’s like this feeling takes over and it becomes me and I forget that I have control over myself, that I’m my own person. I get tangled up in the mess of my own head and I want to disappear into thin air. 

I’ve started noticing some patterns here: for some reason I love over-scheduling myself to the point of exhaustion and near-burnout. It’s happened pretty much every semester in college so far. It makes sense: my entire childhood I’ve constantly been involved in activities like dance, swimming, music lessons and Ukrainian school. I’ve been taught to live in a structured environment and I learn that’s when I thrive best - when things are clearly outlined and planned. But the reality is you cannot plan everything in life. Some things are out of your control, like reactions to trauma, bus schedules and unforeseen circumstances. Sometimes you don’t feel great. Sometimes it last a long time, like 7 years. Sometimes you feel better. And that’s ok, things ebb and flow. We’re all dealt a certain hand and all we can do is accept it and learn to live with it. I think I try and convince myself that things are alright as soon I get over the panic attack at hand, then try and go back to doing my homework and immediately pushing myself at my regular pace once again. I’m over it, I really am. I deserve a fucking break and it’s not too much to ask. I’ve started making some changes to free up my schedule, have taken steps to stand up for myself, but I’m still working on tweaking my internal attitude and perspective on life. These things take time and it’s important to acknowledge that. I am finally officially admitting to myself that I don’t have it all figured out. THERE I SAID IT AND I MEAN IT. I do not have it all figured out and I never will because things are constantly changing. All I can do is be real with myself. Clearly I can’t be real with others unless I’m real with myself, which I similar to relationships: you can’t really be in a positive relationship unless you’re good with yourself. And it never comes the other way around, you have to be good with yourself first. So I’m finally admitting that I am not completely good with myself and therefore not ready for anything of that nature. It’s time to focus on me right now and that IS OKAY. I am a priority right now. I need to repeat it as much as possible until it finally sticks -  it is okay, it is okay, it is okay. I’m giving myself permission to start to let go because it’s a slow process and to start inhabiting the space of uncertainty. This is what’s right here, right now.